Trouble right here??

It has been months since I last added to this blog. I have been active on other blogsites, but something has been percolating around in the back of my mind. I thought I would like to express some of these thoughts. A while back, soon after Dad had surgery to replace his knee he mentioned that when I was at John Adams Junior High he was at the school all the time because I was always in trouble. I thought he was just mixed up because it was when I was in High School that trouble seemed to come knocking. It was when I became more aware of how he remembers what he remembers and his version of reality of those times that I realized that was how he experienced my youth. That was the kind of kid he thought I was.

I remember when I did my 4th step...it was all about mistakes I had made when I let certain wants I mis-interpreted as needs influence my decisions. Well, I've been 17 years sober as of last weekend. Not saying I haven't made any mistakes in those years, there just haven't been as many or have they been of as great a magnitude. These years have given me the opportunity to learn. To learn something about me. To make observations about how my interactions with Dad and Ann have evolved, or rather haven't really changed all that much. To learn something about how other familes relate to each other by being a part of Roxanne's family. To remember me as a young man with a kinder point of view. To understand that I was young and inexperienced when a lot of mistakes were made. To come to realize that when a loving parent has a young child that does something wrong through inexperience they still love that child and demonstrate that love. That even though the child's behaviors or actions are unacceptable, the child is not. The child will be loved unconditionally. This was not my experience or reality when growing up.

In this picture I had just returned from a Court of Honor where I had just received the Unit Honor Scout award for the year. Not sure which year but from what I remember and my appearance I would guess 1964. During that time when he rememers all the trouble I was in I was very active in Scouting. Den Chief, Staff Patrol Leader, Junior Assistant Scoutmaster...camping and hiking nearly every weekend. I as also on the John Adams Junior High wrestling team. During that time frame I was taking Confirmation classes with the Pastor of my Church, sang in the Youth Choir, and attended Sunday School and Worship. When did I have time to get in all that trouble?

I am not really sure what he remembers. What these therapy sessions, visits with my Dad now, and rembering through the lenses of a new pair of glasses is bringing home is this: I make allowances for when Zachary and Tristan act like children because they are children and that is what children do...for my Dad to have made judgments of my actions and have felt that since my actions were unnacceptable so was I, was absolutely unconscionable. It was on him, not me.

The thing is...it wasn't just him! I remember there was a wreslting match at my Jr. High. I was in the 7th grade. I called home to ask if I could stay after to watch the match as I wanted to wrestle when I was old enough. Mom said ok, what time does it get over? When I asked the school secretary she told me 4:00 so that's what I told Mom...what do I know... I was in the 7th grade. This was in the fall of 1963...I was 13. Thing is, the match started at 4:00. I paid my nickle to get in to watch, the match started, I figure she might be outside but I thought she might come in, but she didn't....she waited outside....becoming angrier and angrier. When the match was over and I got in the car, before I could ask why she hadn't come in to join me she started in railing on me. When we got home and in the house we had no sooner got in the door she started in slapping me. I remember crying and falling on the floor...but she didn't stop, she continued slapping until she got tired of hitting me.....

Yup!! There was throuble right there in River City. That started with 'T'and that rhymed with 'me', but it wasn't.....I was just a kid trying to make them happy and not understanding just how dysfunctional we were, or that I was not responsible for their happiness. I just knew when they were, it got real uncomfortable for me.