It's not supposed to be this way

We were just kids. We didn't have any say in the way things were. Things just were the way they were and we grew up in those circumstances.

My dad certainly made some choices that from my point of view made no sense at all. But then, Mary Ann, what was she thinking?
They were kids themselves really. She couldn't have been more than 20 when Ann was born. Here mother's response to an unwed pregnancy was "you made your bed, now lay in it". What a legacy for Ann. When we had moved to Nora Springs Ann and I were babies. I woder how much of his behaviours towards me were a result of Mary Ann not being Mary Lou and me being a constant reminder.
The result of growing up in a household built on that foundation was me not feeling too much "a part of". I had always thought something was wrong with me. I drank too much. I acted out, got in fights, got in trouble. I was the black sheep. I wasn't a nice kid like Ann. Lord knows I wanted to be. But something was wrong and it had to be me because they were all close. They were good people, therefore what was wrong had to be me.

But my mother was not Mary Ann. My mother was Mary Lou. Her family didn't support the marriage. No one was there. No one was there to help us get started in life. Things must have been awful tough on them. She probably should have worked. Dad couldn't earn enough. It's not surprising things went rapidly south on them. I wonder how much violence was in there home. She never talked of it and it never occured to me to ask.

But I am a Crum. Even though in my own home growing up I never felt as though I fit. I am more Crum than my dad could ever imagine. Because I not only have the genes passed down to me from pioneers and settlers on my father's side, my mother's father was a chemical engineer. This would explain why I have been able to do such a variety of things well.

But now both Marys have long since passed. Dad is not in the very good health. Ann's grandson Ryan has a condition that will result in a lifetime of battling tumors. Right now he is 2, has a growth on the optic nerve behind his eye causing him to be blind in that eye and is undergoing chemotherapy. The tumor hasn't yet shrunk and when he gets any infection he is hospitalized. Her husband Earl has congenital heart failure. On May 1st when I was walking through town with a misspelled sign he was undergoing heart surgery to have a defibrillator/pacemaker installed. She just called me a couple days ago to tell me of a fundraiser planned in Meyer of all places.

The point is, though, family is meant to provide support during times like these. We have never been able to be of support to each other and she has never had any reason to question the way things are. I believe, to her, I am the black sheep. I am the one one who always was in trouble, doing the wrong things because there is something wrong with me. I am not family.

IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THAT WAY!!!